Stuck in the Middle
Does anyone else feel stuck or is that just me?
I feel stuck in place right now. I felt as if my life was on some sort of upward trajectory of adulthood, finally coming into the man I always envisioned myself to be. But lately, I just feel like I’m trapped in the flytrap of life. Yes, there is a pandemic that has been handled piss-poorly by our administration, but even before we reached the apex of COVID-19, I have had this dark feeling that my personal growth was being stunted. And… I wish it didn’t.
I graduated from college a semester early, leaving behind my friends, my second home, and most importantly my independence. I finally felt like I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. I felt as if the shackles of my hometown depression was finally broken.
But that didn’t last a while.
I moved back home because I didn’t find a job immediately after graduation. I moved back with my mom, worked at Home Depot part-time, and tried finding a real job with my degree. This is where it started to begin. I had friends and peers moving to new states with their nice jobs away from their parents. I was jealous. I began to compare my success to others and you know that’s not healthy for anyone. I began to beat myself because I knew I could do any job someone threw at me. Too bad I was wide open with nothing to catch. I was like for months until I got the job I had now. I thought then, “This is what I’m missing. I am complete.”
To no one’s surprise, I was far from complete.
Why did I still feel stuck? Was it because I moved back home and live with my mother? (yes) Was it because I moved away from all my friends who were down to hang out no matter the time of day? (yes, again) Was it because the house I live in has unwanted trauma associated with it, making it tainted and leaving a sour taste in my house? (yes, again)
I crave independence. Physically and mentally. I like knowing that I worked for what I had, I can create my own rules, live how I want to live, have over whoever I want to have over. I just want to be far away from what I know. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t know. I want to be able to do what makes me happy without having to think about what others think. Every time I step foot into this house, my whole being reverts back to 16-year-old Taylor. A depressed teenager who felt as if the world didn’t protect him from the ugly he had to experience. A teenager who constantly fought with his mother and had to deal with his own conflicting sexuality. A teenager who hated the world and didn’t see himself making it past 18. That’s what it feels like for me to be back home. If I tried to express this to my mother… I don’t know what she thinks. No matter what I do to make this place feel like home, it won’t feel like it. This isn’t for me. I have to leave.
This is where being stuck comes in.
Somedays I just want to say “FUCK IT” and my shit up and move cross country with no plan in mind, just to feel something. I don’t feel like me here. I feel stuck in Taylor, age 16’s body and I hate it. Nothing here inspires me. Nothing here motivates me. Nothing here makes me want to stay. But I can’t leave. My mind runs a million miles a minute, but my body feels stuck in one spot. Trying to explain my thoughts to anyone else that isn’t my therapist has been a bit difficult. Everyone tells me to stay home as long as you can. Enjoy the free rent and free food. Don’t be selfish. I know I can appreciate my current situation while also wanting more. I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for how I feel.
So what do I do?
I thrive well when I know I have something to work towards. And what am I working towards? I think one thing that needs to happen is that I need to move out of my mom’s house. It’s no longer home for me and I need to start something for myself. I need to start doing things that make me feel like me again and continue to grow. I don’t know what’s next for me, but I know this isn’t the end. Fuck being stuck, please wish me luck.
I'm Taylor and I have Moore To Say.